#412: Navigating Avoidant Attachment: Intimacy, Dopamine, & Emotional Disconnect w/ Adam Lane Smith

Emotional Risks

Navigating emotional risks in relationships, especially with avoidant partners, involves understanding the balance between love and fear. Mark Groves shares a personal experience of shutting down emotionally after a relationship, highlighting the fear of vulnerability and intimacy 1. Adam Smith explains that avoidant individuals often weigh the risks of emotional investment against potential pain, leading to emotional distance 1. He notes, "For many avoidant men, here's a simple calculation that they run in their brain. What am I going to have to give up versus what am I going to receive?" 1. This mindset can block oxytocin reception, making emotional connection challenging 2.

   

Monogamy

Monogamous relationships can be challenging for those with avoidant attachment styles, as they often struggle with emotional connection. Adam Smith discusses how avoidant individuals may feel less connected over time, leading to dissatisfaction and even infidelity 3. He emphasizes the importance of oxytocin in building emotional bonds, which is often lacking in avoidant individuals 3. Mark Groves shares his journey of learning to open up emotionally, which improved his relationships significantly 4. He states, "The moment I learned that I was unavailable emotionally and also drawn to people who are unavailable emotionally, that's when I made a rule like, I'm no longer going to date people who can't show up, and I'm also going to start showing up." 4.

   

Emotional Investment

Emotional investment is crucial for relationship success, yet avoidant individuals often view it as a risk rather than a benefit. Adam Smith introduces the concept of emotional caregiving and co-regulation, emphasizing its importance in fostering intimacy 5. He explains that avoidant individuals often see emotional intimacy as a gamble, likening it to a risky financial investment 6. "They don't understand the value of love and real intimacy because it's frightening to them," he notes 6. Building trust through consistent behavior and self-accountability is essential for overcoming these barriers 6.