#332: Why Couples Really Fight with Figs O’Sullivan

Relationship Patterns

Figs O’Sullivan explores common relationship patterns, emphasizing how couples often blame each other for issues rather than recognizing their shared responsibility. He notes that partners typically focus on their partner's faults, believing that if the other person changed, the relationship would improve. However, Figs argues that both partners contribute equally to the relationship's dynamics, each holding only half of the truth 1. He explains that when one partner feels unloved or unprioritized, they often resort to criticism or feedback, which the other partner perceives as a threat, leading to defensive behaviors 2.

The relationship problems are almost never...a me or a you issue, especially not a you issue. Right. They're actually an us issue.

--- Figs O’Sullivan

This cycle of blame and defense perpetuates disconnection, highlighting the need for a shared understanding of the relationship's systemic nature.

   

Systemic Conflict

Understanding relationship issues as systemic rather than individual problems is crucial. Figs O’Sullivan describes how couples often find themselves at a crossroads, unable to connect due to a "waltz of pain," where both partners feel their love is being withheld 3. This systemic view shifts the focus from individual blame to recognizing how both partners contribute to the dynamic. Figs emphasizes that reactions like "you knew what you were getting into" stem from an inability to handle a partner's distress, rather than a lack of love 4.

People are up to their ankles in what is. And what I do is I immerse people like up to their eyeballs. And what is.

--- Figs O’Sullivan

By immersing couples in their shared reality, he helps them navigate their emotional experiences and find authentic solutions 5.

   

Shared Empathy

Shared empathy plays a pivotal role in resolving relationship conflicts. Figs O’Sullivan introduces the concept of "empathy squared," where both partners simultaneously experience and acknowledge each other's pain, transforming their understanding from a two-dimensional to a three-dimensional perspective 6. This mutual empathy allows couples to grieve not just for their individual wounds, but for the shared pain within their relationship system. Figs suggests that the first step is to remain present in this shared sadness, resisting the urge to seek immediate solutions 7.

The deepest, most important next step is no next step...helping people realize being connected here, and there's deep sadness because we need each other.

--- Figs O’Sullivan

By fostering this connection, couples can begin to heal and move forward together.