#318: When The Need to Achieve Becomes Toxic with Jennifer B. Wallace

Mattering

Jennifer Wallace emphasizes the profound impact of feeling significant and valued, a concept known as "mattering." She explains that when individuals feel they matter, they are motivated to contribute positively to the world. Conversely, a lack of mattering can lead to negative behaviors and mental health struggles 1. Wallace notes that many young people aspire to be influencers, driven by a desire to matter, often due to unmet needs in their core relationships 2.

When we feel like we matter, we show up to the world in positive ways. We want to achieve, we want to add value, we want to contribute, we want to raise people up.

--- Jennifer Wallace

This sense of mattering is crucial for both personal fulfillment and societal well-being.

   

Interdependence

Wallace highlights the importance of interdependence in fostering a sense of mattering. She argues that while independence is valuable, teaching children the skills of interdependence—how to rely on others and be relied upon—is essential for their mental health 3. This skill set, often overlooked, is crucial for building healthy relationships and a sense of community.

It's only in these healthy, interdependent relationships that we can feel like we matter. We can't matter alone.

--- Jennifer Wallace

By nurturing interdependence, we can help children develop a more profound sense of belonging and significance.

   

Beyond Achievement

Wallace explores how children and adults can experience mattering beyond their achievements. She shares survey findings revealing that many young adults feel their worth is tied to success, with 70% believing their parents value them more when they succeed 4. This perception can lead to a toxic achievement culture, where individuals feel they only matter when they achieve.

What they are hearing is I only matter when. I only matter when I achieve. And that is what's at the root of so much of the suffering that I saw.

--- Jennifer Wallace

Wallace stresses the importance of shifting focus from achievement to inherent value to combat this harmful mindset.