#112: 7 Steps On How To Find Courage And Use Your Voice with Dr. Harriet Lerner

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a natural response in relationships, often triggered by criticism. Mark Groves and Dr. Harriet Lerner discuss how defensiveness can hinder intimacy and self-worth. Dr. Lerner explains that defensiveness is universal, especially in the face of criticism, and suggests calming oneself to listen better 1. She notes that men often feel more overwhelmed by criticism, leading to stonewalling and withdrawal, which can damage relationships 2.

We are wired for defensiveness, especially in the face of criticism and unjust criticism.

--- Dr. Harriet Lerner

Mark adds that a strong self-worth foundation allows individuals to accept criticism without collapsing into shame, promoting healthier communication 2.

   

Listening

Listening Deficit Disorder (LDD) is a term coined by Dr. Lerner to describe the tendency to listen defensively rather than to understand. She emphasizes that overcoming LDD involves dialing down defensiveness and focusing on understanding the essence of what the other person is communicating 3. This approach fosters genuine listening and enhances relationships.

Listening shapes how our relationships go much more than how we talk.

--- Dr. Harriet Lerner

Mark and Dr. Lerner also discuss the importance of embracing multiple realities, acknowledging that different perspectives can coexist without threatening one's own truth 4. This acceptance is a mark of emotional maturity and strengthens relational bonds.