#112: 7 Steps On How To Find Courage And Use Your Voice with Dr. Harriet Lerner

Truth & Courage

Dr. Harriet Lerner emphasizes the importance of speaking our truth, especially in challenging situations. She shares a personal story about discussing her father's actions with her mother, highlighting the courage needed to express differing views without trying to change the other person 1. This approach requires wisdom and maturity, as Lerner notes, "timing and tact are actually what make honesty possible with the most difficult people and the most difficult circumstances" 2. Balancing when to speak and when to refrain is crucial for maintaining open communication and avoiding unnecessary conflict.

   

Defensiveness & Clarity

Overcoming defensiveness is a key step in fostering deeper relationships. Mark Groves reflects on how defensiveness can hinder intimacy, sharing that acknowledging some truth in criticism can be transformative 3. Lerner advises on effective communication, suggesting that brevity can enhance understanding and prevent relationship cut-offs 4. She often edits lengthy confrontations down to concise messages, emphasizing that "if the person's intention is that they want to have the best chance of being heard," they should aim for clarity and calm.

   

Calm & Clarity

Calming oneself is essential for effective communication and maintaining clarity. Lerner explains that calmness can be contagious and is necessary for clear thinking, especially in tense situations 5. She suggests various methods for finding calm, such as meditation and gardening, tailored to individual preferences 6. Lerner humorously notes, "we can't be calm all of the time," but stresses the importance of practicing calmness to handle difficult conversations effectively.