#048: Why You Can’t Just “Get Over It” with Hilary Jacobs Hendel

Change Triangle

The Change Triangle is a transformative tool for emotional healing, as explained by Hilary Jacobs Hendel. She describes it as an academic map made accessible for everyone, helping individuals connect with their core emotions like sadness, anxiety, and depression. By focusing on these emotions, people can experience a full emotional wave, leading to a more authentic and integrated self. Hilary emphasizes that mental health is about experiencing core emotions with minimal anxiety and shame, allowing for a calmer and more connected life 1.

Once somebody has a full wave of emotion, for the first time since they were a kid, they were so terrified of having that, and they have that with me, and it's like, everything is fine, and I'm fine, and they're fine, and they're like, oh, my God, I feel so much better.

--- Hilary Jacobs Hendel

Her book, "It's Not Always Depression," offers a detailed guide on using the Change Triangle, complete with stories and exercises to help readers identify and process their emotions 2.

   

Suppressed Emotions

Understanding and coping with suppressed emotions is crucial for emotional well-being. Hilary Jacobs Hendel explains that blocked emotions often manifest as anxiety, depression, or irritability, and recognizing these symptoms is the first step toward healing. She emphasizes the importance of identifying where one stands on the Change Triangle, whether in defensive modes or inhibitory emotions like guilt and shame 3.

It's easy to look at other people. It's much harder to look at ourselves and to really take a good look and say, what are we doing?

--- Hilary Jacobs Hendel

Mark Groves shares his personal experience with coping mechanisms, highlighting how societal norms often mask emotional struggles, making it challenging to address them directly 4.

   

Emotional Integration

Integrating rational understanding with emotional experiences is key to healing. Mark Groves discusses the power of "clean anger" and how it can assert boundaries and foster a sense of safety and self-protection. Hilary Jacobs Hendel agrees, noting that expressing anger healthily can lead to a more open-hearted state 5.

We feel safe when we can use words to really. You can kindly set boundaries, too.

--- Hilary Jacobs Hendel

Rediscovering emotions like anger and sadness can be a transformative process. Mark shares his journey of reconnecting with these emotions, which initially led to anxiety but eventually opened the door to deeper emotional healing 6.